Honestly?

"You're very pretty" or anything along that line. All I can say to that is I'm blessed. I did nothing to create my face. It is my Maker who made it. At times I want to say thank Him, rather than thank you. It never made sense to me. You didn't mold, shape, and/or create my face, then tell me why I am thanking you? Perhaps I am thanking you for taking the time to notice and for giving out a hearty compliment. Thus, I suppose then I am thanking Him and you. Words are very limited. I wish there was a phrase that encompasses both sentiments.

To answer the second question...

I don't really think about wanting to get more compliments on any certain thing. When I get them, I feel humbled. When I don't, it doesn't faze me. I'm not self-absorbed.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

I find beauty in all races and colors, actually. I'm serious. I'd elaborate but apparently, I'm still half-asleep. 

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Originally written on April 18, 2009
I will write a recent entry soon.

A couple of things I have owned for a considerably long time broke today--and the fact that they both broke in the same day baffles me. I'm not as superstitious as I come across, but these occurences do leave me to wonder if there is some sort of sign behind them or if the are merely coincidental.

Two major events occurred at the beginning of this month that were indubitably life-changing and indeed, struck a major chord. I consider myself fairly young and I've yet to experience a lot of things, (but please, with that said, don't go around carrying this notion that I am naive, for I can assure you that I am NOT), and truth be told, I was dead confused and lost when it all happened. However, I learned how to deal because how could I not? I learned that though you may have some support, more or less, you can only depend on yourself for it because others can only support you so much.

I have said this elsewhere, but sometime at the beginning of this year I came to realize that a part of being independent is to not rely your happiness on others. Perhaps, that's what I did all along in my relationship--I depended a lot of my happiness on him, and looked for my happiness in all the wrong places. Don't get me wrong; he made me happy, but part of the risk for relying your happiness on others is that by doing that, you can never  truly, completely be happy. Humans are inclined to err, and they are not perfect. They have the tendency to disappoint--intentionally or unintentionally. Thus, by relying your happiness on someone else, you are setting yourself up for a lot of potential sadness. So, really, it has the inverse effect.

But still, I can't help but feel a lot of things are breaking, literally and figuratively. Some things you can fix (but would be better left broken, for trying to put the pieces back will only hurt you) and others you can't fix because it's gone forever. I know that there's probably nothing ominous about two personal belongings both breaking in the same day, but a part of me likes to think that it's a subtle symbol of the two deaths: the death of a relationship and the death of a loved one.

The latter pertains to my late grandmother who was a significant part of my life and whom I had known all my life. The former pertains to my ex-boyfriend, who is now a close friend, and whom I have known for no longer than two years. Both of the personal belongings that broke were one) a favourite mug that I've had for almost a decade--I drink my tea out of this particular mug and two) a favourite hair clip that I owned for just a year and a half, but used almost every day. Yes, these are merely mundane, everyday objects, and maybe I'm over-analyzing things, but note something about these two objects: one is old and the other is fairly new. One symbolizes a favourite past time--drinking tea--it, in fact, does remind me of my late grandmother, and the other symbolizes beauty--one of the uses of a hair clip is to arrange the hair a certain way so that it looks nice and presentable, which I did for my ex-boyfriend. I remember fussing about my hair to him, and I remember letting him put my hair up with that same clip at a park while we were sitting on a bench overlooking the ocean once.

I guess both of these objects are connected to these two people in a way I never really noticed before until now. And it's just strange how these two broke around the same time.

Which now leaves me to wonder: what's next?

Here's a something from a song that correlates to my current disposition, and which I guess, is directed heavily towards them:

Just when everything's in order and good, things fall apart.
Just when life should be resolving, I'm back at the beginning,
And it comes back to the heart.
I'm not really sad...I'm not running...I'm looking,
Did I tell you I kept all your letters and cards?
There's just nothing left for me to do here but unhook the stars...
...And letting go now is like a passport to anywhere
With time on my hands I can make a new start.
...Don't worry for me, it's just that I'm inspired.
Waiting in the wings made me drunk with possibility,
It rivals my memories.
-Unhook the Stars, Cyndi Lauper

My mother has been dropping hints like crazy for me to start learning how to cook. As always, she brings up the age factor.

More often than not, she says something along these lines to me:

"When will you start learning how to cook? You're 20 already! Do you know I have a co-worker whose daughter is 14 and can cook? You know you're eventually going to start a family! What will you do then? You can't eat out every night. Girlie, you better start learning how to cook!" (Sometimes she says this in one breath.)

"When I was your age, I made the whole family a nice dinner. I used to prepare dinner for your grandparents all the time, you know."

"I work double shifts. I rarely have time to cook anymore now. You gotta feed your brothers eventually!"

"*Sigh* what will this family eat without me?"

"You're such a shame--20 and doesn't know how to cook."

"You're a girl, aren't you? Learn to cook."

"*Sigh* there's nothing to eat. I've been so busy. I wish I wasn't the only one who knows how to cook..."

With that said, I think I may have figured out a way to make cooking into a newfound passion of mine. As some of you may have already known, I have a penchant for world cultures, and lately I've been thinking, "What if I integrate culture into my cooking?" I can pick up recipes of simple ethnic dishes and try them out. I think the whole experience would be a lot of fun. Not only will I get to pick up bits and pieces of culture here and there, but I will also develop an appreciation for cooking; plus, it will put food on the table, in which case everyone wins. Of course, an acquired taste is expected to form with the first few dishes; nevertheless, when I get the hang of things, I will move my way up to more complex Indonesian dishes.

What do you think?
Do you have any simple recipes for an ethnic dish that, perhaps, you would like to recommend?

I'm thinking of starting with tom som. It is shredded green papaya salad. It's an ethnic Lao dish. My ex-boyfriend, who is Lao, says it's a little hard to make, but I'm going to give it a go regardless.

Recently I came across an article on Datingish regarding the number of people a certain someone's girlfriend had slept with. For those of you who are not familiar with the article, the author pretty much stated his concern after finding out that his girlfriend has had a pretty "colourful sexual past." While I really don't care about the matter itself since it doesn't pertain to me (and since because I am currently having problems of my own), the subject regarding someone's past does intrigue me, however. Regardless of my opinion of the author, I can somehow identify with him on how difficult it is to shake off a particular part of someone's past.

I'll be brief and say this: if you don't learn to get past it, it will continue to haunt you, and then it will magnify itself and become an underlying issue for many of your relationship woes. That's how I see it from my personal experience, anyway. There are only two ways: you either learn to get past it, like I've stated, or you part ways with the person. If you decide to take the first route, you can go about it in many different ways. I'm not going to list all the ways in which you should or should not--for that is entirely up to you. Do what works for you.

If you want to stay with the person, learn to accept his/her (despicable/ugly/horrendous) past. If you don't, I can't guarantee you will have a satisfying relationship with him/her because that hideous notion will continue to re-surface and become a detrimental element in your relationship. Your partner deserves to be seen in the best possible light and his/her status should always be equal to you. You should never feel more superior to him/her.

Anyhow, I don't wish to elaborate any further since each relationship has its own unique variables and circumstances, and my experience alone does not provide a template for how other relationships out there should function. I am now just realizing why I've felt certain things towards my ex that I know I shouldn't have been feeling. I've always felt a tug when it came to his past, and I can openly admit that it has altered my perception of him, and it marred many aspects of our relationship. On the other hand, I know he has changed for the better, for the most part, and matured since his frolicking days.

Before I got involved in a serious relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I had an absolute image of exactly what I wanted in a partner. My list didn't include a throng of insanely superficial or laughable requirements and ideals, but rather sensible, rational, and reasonable traits and qualities. By the end of the day, I can safely say that I have very high standards, and I am not, in any way, apologizing for that, (neither should any of you who do as well).

A recent late night conversation with a fellow Xangan, Gerald Washington, helped me confirm my beliefs that waiting isn't so bad. Though anticipating the arrival of the right person can prove to be very distressing and bleak, I believe it is worth every second, every minute and every ounce of frustration of waiting because when that defining moment arrives, there is nothing but bliss to feel.

On to my next point. Dear readers, I believe it is only fair of me to warn you in advance of the religious nature of my next segment. I have noticed that a handful number of my subscribers fall under the category of "atheist" and "agnostic", which does not bother me at all. But I do, however, feel it may (or may not) compel you to think I'm a delusional, hopeless idiot who falls mercilessly at the foot of blind faith after reading this next segment. I respect your belief, but please do not impose it on me and preach upon how I should only look for a partner based upon his moral character, and not rather by what his beliefs are.

With that said, I'll continue. I had a different conversation on Friday with another man. He is of Nigerian descent and is a Muslim. Is he a good one by any standard? I'm not to judge, but he is a Muslim so I'll take it for what it is. We were conversing about various aspects of what's allowed and what is not allowed in Islam. Somehow that conversation led to the topic of spouses and partners. I told him that I want to marry a Muslim man; he needs not to be a natural-born Muslim, but can be someone who falls in love with Islam and adopts it as he goes along. This is what I proceeded to tell him: "I want someone who sees beauty in God and loves God, but loves me and cares for me just as much. I want someone who sees past all my imperfections and loves me flaws and all. I want someone who sees beauty in Islam the way that I see beauty in it. I want someone who can* guide me, lead me, and inspire me to be a better person and a better Muslim. If I can have all that, I think I'd be happy for life." His response, "Wow, that's deep. I'm just speechless." He said it made him tear up a little and that I didn't want to see him cry. Now mind you, my friend is this big dude. He's tall, broad-shouldered, and hovers over me easily. For me to have said something that moved him that much was utterly unexpected.

*This is not to say I'm dependent solely on him to guide me and inspire me to be a better person. I emphasized the word 'can' meaning if he can do that as well, then it's a bonus. I'll have you know that I depend on no other being than myself to become a better person.

If such a man exists, which I have faith that he does, and he's somewhere out there then I'll wait for him. The point of this post, to put it succintly, is I'm going to wait before entering another relationship. I am not going to make the mistake of believing I am falling for someone based merely on a temporary high/rush I feel with the next guy who comes along. You better believe, the next man you see in my arms is going to be someone of quality--not a mere rebound. At this point, not very many men appeal to me, though I firmly believe there are plenty of decent men out there; I just don't think I'll meet the right one for me anytime soon. It's going to take a lot to grab my attention. I don't want to waste time on the wrong people.

I have good faith that a lot of my subscribers are fairly intelligent, wise, and creative people. With that said, I'm in a little bit of a bind. I need help depicting/representing certain ideas. Listed below are three questions which I hope some of you can answer.

1. How would you draw the best you? Or if you were to 'photograph' the best you without actually including yourself in the photograph, which items would you pick to represent you at your best? Or what concepts would you use?

2. What is self-independence to you? How would you depict your independence via an art medium? Which items represent your independence?

3. What is something that you deem to be greater yourself? For what/whom would you sacrifice your wants and dreams? How would you show the people around you this idea?

Thanks, that would be all. I appreciate all the help I can get. I need to get my wheels rolling...

I will respond to comments from the previous post as soon as I get things straighten out. A million thanks in advance!